So I was recently talking to someone about doing away with the online journaling world entirely, but I realized it's something that I am accustomed to and at times actually need. However, I've decided I don't really want to continue writing in journals/blogs in the way in which I do. I am not necessarily saying that I want to become some self-righteous, content-oriented blogger, I am just kind of tired of sharing personal information and teen angst. And as I slowly move towards the close of my teenage years, I feel like my writing should reflect that. For starters, I am exceptionally blissful and in merely eight days, I am going to be engaging in one of the biggest changes in my life, and a positive one at that.

I am just ready to start over. I don't want to whine in the other journal (and if I do, it'll be on a pretty strict filter of people I know irl or have been with me in livejournal land since I was 15).

Add it if you want, it's fine if you don't. I probably won't write much until after the move.

This journal isn't going to get deleted because it was the product of a rename token (and therefore has lots of archived teen angst that I might want to laugh at in the future) and I will use it for communities in which I already have a presence.

laurengill

Things that make me happy:

1.) Movies and television shows with Jason Bateman. I don't know how it happened, but I have an official thing for him so whenever I get the opportunity to see him, I take it.

2.) Making videos with Kimber on YouTube and being brought to tears of laughter with every repeated watch. I'm going to miss her a vast amount after I leave, so it's nice to have something to look at to hold me over when I am far, far away. (I've also come to realize what the faces I make actually look like...)

3.) Eddie. A given. I couldn't imagine myself putting up with a long-distance relationship with anyone but him. Ever. I'm glad to have what I do; I'm a lucky duck.

4.) The Sims 2, revisiting yearbooks, finding money all over my room.


Things that stress me out:

1.) Impending health tests, doctors visits, etc. I am a vague hypochondriac.

2.) The financial aspects of the move. I have enough money in my bank account to support me properly over the next few months but I am afraid that I'm not factoring in every expense properly and I'm going to wind up selling my body or worse yet, asking my parents to help.

3.) School stuff. A pretty sizable case study (10 page research project) and 4 final exams (two being essay exams) await!

4.) Missing Eddie. Sappy, yes, I know. But it's been three weeks and it isn't easy.


Things that I am doing:

1.) Packin' to make the move seem that much closer.

2.) Beginning my project tomorrow even though it isn't due for another 2 weeks.

3.) Selling belongings I don't need to make some extra money before the move.

4.) Researching non-profit jobs that I am qualified for before I move to Chicagoland.

Or in summation: Yay. Ugh. Eddie.

Yeah, I reckon that about covers it.

On a final note:

INDEFINITE HIATUS.
(I will still be reading my friends list!)

Bye!

In four weeks from today, I will be living in my new apartment. Or, at least, settling in and trying to make a semblance of a home out of it as I scramble to find furniture and make it all come together. I talk to my roommate once every few days or so. Usually we talk about what kind of kitty we want, or the color schemes of the rooms. Serious business, indeed.

At this point to prep myself, I've just been doing all I can do without literally living out of suitcases for a month because I'm just that anxious. Today I'm going to buy a few suitcases from GoodWill and begin packing winter clothes and assorted knickknacks I want to take with me.

I'm sick again. I've been sick for a month and a half on and off, but consistently so nonetheless. I'm going to go to the on-campus clinic on Thursday between classes and demand that they fix me. I think there's a mixture of bronchitis that wasn't properly treated, a year long bout of sinusitis, and seasonal allergies going on inside of me.

Also, in preparation, I've made amends. I put to rest some ~drama~ with two individuals from my past, and do feel better for it.

I have no motivation when it comes to school. I skipped today. I don't care what my grades end up being. Though, realistically, I know they're going to be A's and B's so that's another reason I don't worry. I don't go to class, but I get my work done, and I do it well.

I don't know how Eddie and I don't run out of things to talk about. We've been managing two conversations a day for quite some time now, and I always enjoy them. It enables optimism on my end, and romantic optimism isn't something I usually have in my possession.

Life is good.

I'm ready.

Tonight was part deux of the Kimya Dawson concert series for Kimber and myself. Kimya had a sore throat, her husband had a cold, and during Paul Baribeau's set far too many people were talking. I preferred the Gainesville show but I did get to take a picture with Kimya this time, so that's a plus. Though I felt like such a jerk keeping her around after the set, I did get to make some girl I don't know happy. She didn't have a digital camera and she was in front of me to talk to Kimya, so turning my charm on (not really), I suggested we all take a picture together. She'll probably find me on MySpace soon -- she sort of knows Kimber.

My friend introduced me to a friend of her's who asked me me if I liked girls and kind of hit on me for a bit. Then she randomly started getting dizzy and almost passed out. (I should just pretend it was my charm that made her faint, not her medication).

I've decided when I move to Chicago, I want to host house-shows. I think my room-mate will be down.

Anyway, not the most interesting of entries but tomorrow is a party at Kimber's. Theme: Members of the Village People. I suggested it because I have a Sailor Dress (there was an infantryman in the group, and they do have the song "In The Navy") that I've never worn and I want to. So yeah, embarrassing pictures and silly video are inevitable by the next time I write, probably...

( i want to touch paul baribeau's beard so badly )

I'm realizing I have issues with being alone for simply a span of a few days. I mean, I haven't been alone even per se, just lonely. But I guess my coping mechanisms fucking suck. Because whenever this happens, I begin thinking and worrying far too much for my own good. To make matters worse, my mood sours from the aforementioned stress and whenever I get around to actual social contact again, I come off aloof or defensive. This emotional state worsens the relationship or throws off the state in whichever relationship I am participating in at that point in time. Thus, I become further self-destructive and see to it that said individual removes themselves from my company for a few more days, contributing to initial loneliness.

I can't even count how many times I've allowed this cycle to happen.

I feel like a whiny little bitch right now.

I want to fix myself.

We got the apartment!

Kimya Dawson managed to put on one of the most amazing concerts I've ever been to! She's so motherly and spunky and hilarious. I absolutely adore her.

My life is wonderful.

C'mon everybody. Group hug. :3

I found the ideal roommate. I can already tell that we're going to get along very well. We dig similar music, have similarly laid-back personalities, complementary abstract traits, and creative interests. She's even excited about the pot-luck/board game nights I plan on having. Oh! She also wants to get a kitten. We're both pretty giddy about not having to resign to having shitty roommates.

Now she has to find an apartment. She's going to check out a 2/1 tomorrow. This one actually: http://chicago.craigslist.org/chc/apa/608822048.html

I am hoping we get it.

I'll know tomorrow.

Ahhhh! This move is so exciting!

Okay, okay. Back to studying. Ugh.

So it turns out I may be moving into Julia's apartment when I relocate here in the beginning of May. There are "room-mate issues" and one of them wants to move out and she asked me about subletting from her. Naturally, I'm down because it makes the whole process of moving easier and the adjustment simpler as well. I mean, I know and am comfortable with this side of town. I know where most things are by now; I've gained a decent sense of direction, and I would be living with people I know. I'm not expecting anything because before contracts are signed, there are no guarantees. It'd just be nice to have it work out. We shall see.

Things are good. In every aspect. Worries I had when I first got here and that lingered over a couple of days have nearly dissipated. Well, no, they have. I'm confident that things are going to work out nicely and I'm allowing myself some self-centered decision making. I'm also trying to be a tad more whimsical in regards to my previously over-planning, scrutinizing state of mind. Which was overwhelming at times. Very much so.

It's crazy to realize how close I am to making one of the biggest decisions of my life thus far and actually feeling quite prepared to do so. I never thought I'd get to this point, or at least, not any time soon. Yesterday I was saying goodbye to Eddie and he mentioned about how quickly things have changed, how there was a point in time when we discussed the best case scenario of me moving to Chicago being two and a half years away, after I graduated from UCF. And yet, look where we are now. It's pretty intense.

Being cognitive of a chapter in your life, the closing of one and beginning of the other, is kind of surreal. It usually doesn't happen this way.

I'm 100% positive that moving to Chicago is one of the best things I can do for myself. I'm thoroughly excited. The trip has been really lovely so far and I could go into detail, but the desire to do so isn't really there at the moment so I'll do it later. Georgia has been canceled, and now I am here for another week.

I hope everyone is well.

I never thought I'd say this but too many good things are happening right now and it's making a mess...

So I got a response from Green Peace... I have an interview in March scheduled to do a hands-on semester with them. I don't know if I want to take it if I'm offered the position because it throws off moving but it's also a once in a lifetime experience. But so is moving. AKsjdalksjdaklsjdaklsjd

I don't know what to do. Maybe I shouldn't freak out until I have the interview... I mean I'm probably not as active as some of these kids applying. Well, I'm not on a really influential level, so I probably won't get it.
(But I know if I played up my charisma I could!) Ugh. Counter-productive thinking.

Anyway.

That's all.

That's just me being myself, complaining about opportunities like the twat that I am.

Am I strong enough to handle this?

I haven't figured out the answer yet.

1. Pick 15 10 (I'm only doing 10) of your favorite movies.
2. Go to IMDb and find a quote from each movie.
3. Post them here for everyone to guess.
4. Fill in the film title once it's guessed.
5. NO GOOGLING/using IMDb search functions. Uncool guys.

( here we go... )

Big changes on the romantic front.

It's like there was a mutual shift from being stiff, rational types to being whimsical romantics.

Uh, game on?

This is absurd. I want to go into specifics but people may think I'm crazy or something.

Wow.

March 7th - Leave from Orlando, Drive to Athens GA
March 8th - Man Man show at 40 Watt
March 12th - Drive Over to Atlanta
March 12th - Built to Spill at Variety Playhouse

We're seriously staying on strangers' couches and that's really exciting to me.

So that's the 7th-12th in Athens (though we may leave a day early) and then we'll be in Atlanta until the 15th or 16th.

ETA: And we may be stopping in Savannah for a day or two at the end of the trip.

So! If you're an expert on either Athens, GA or Atlanta, GA and there are some places we must go or things we have to see, let me know! Thanks!

"There can be no deep disappointment where there is not deep love."

- Martin Luther King, Jr.

And no, this isn't about any romantic relationship.

My entire life has been affected by my drift between a state of arrogance and vulnerability. I remember hearing in a psychology class about what peoples' walking habits and mannerisms said about them as a person, the outward projection of a task we'd been doing almost all of our lives. I remember distinctively being a walker who looked down all the time, and, fearing my latent insecurities would shine through on a stroll, I began making an effort to slowly shift my gaze while en route. No longer following the littered grounds with my eyes, I began to make contact with strangers. As I ascended past adolescence, I felt empowered as I gained the ability to self-assert (which I sometimes abuse), to make eye-contact, to feel on-level. At this point in time in my life, however, I think I would like to meet people who keep their focus on the clouds and find themselves fixated on the sky. I feel like they've been initiated into this secret club and think they've figured out something I haven't quite been able to attain but have been desperately reaching for over the past few years.

I spent an hour of free time today starting and finishing a book, more specifically The Diving Bell and the Butterfly by Jean-Dominique Bauby. For those unaware, the backstory of the memoir is as follows: the editor-in-chief of the French version of Elle magazine suffered a stroke in 1995, causing him complete paralysis while retaining mental clarity. His only means of communication was through blinking his left eyelid and contacts would go through the alphabet and that is how he would communicate words. And this is how he managed to write a 170 paged memoir of short stories, memories of his life, poignant gems, and not once painfully self-pitying. Can you imagine? I was surprised with finding the time to complete a book in a fraction of my break time and started getting anxious when thinking about where exactly my hours go, when they aren't accounted for explicitly and just drift away from me. On a larger scale, the weight of time was obviously felt (as per the cliche after reading stories like this) considerably stronger. But I'm not going to dive into that exhausted, trite "Life-is-so-short!" or "It-can-change-in-an-instant!" tirade. I lost a father at 13, I've been in possession of such ideals for quite a bit of time, it just was a good slap in the face. That's all.

I spent hours today heavy in introspection, and I actually put my little red notebook into use. Writing. Actually writing.

I think for the first time I can say with certainty, that I am intrinsically compelled at this point to move away from Florida as quickly as possible.

I need support sometimes. And I feel like it lacks.

I can find positives and negatives in every situation which makes decision-making especially difficult for me. I hate it. I don't want to be stuck in a standstill, virtually miserable, because I'm afraid of proving people right or wrong on a myriad of issues.

Ugh.

Every time I think I'm doing something for myself, I get backed into a corner and end up folding for other people. Every single time.

So I just got out of my first test of the semester 20 minutes ago, and I hope I did as well as I think I did. I wrote a particularly verbose (though I tried to limit myself, I swear) 6-paged essay on one of the prompts. Hand cramps are a mother fucker and I can barely shake this one off and it kind of hurts to type.

Thanks to of Montreal's blog, I came across the fact that today marks the 10th anniversary of Neutral Milk Hotel's album "In the Aeroplane Over the Sea." Now, to a lot of you out there, this probably means near to nothing, but I have to have some NMH fans who read my blog and who are now thinking of the amazing title track or the epic beauty of "Oh, Comely." Right?! I'm going to go there and call it the most influential album of the '90s. I know I am nothing more than some shit-talking pretentious college kid, but songs on that album actually changed music for me. It changed how I felt about it, it shifted what I thought music could bring out of me, it provided a soundtrack for some pretty monumental life changes that occurred within the last two years. I've always been passionate about songs that deal with the struggle between melancholy and bliss ("A Better Son/Daughter" by Rilo Kiley is one of my favorite songs of all time) and this album, through many of the songs, embodies that. Speaking of which, I think I'm going to put up all of the NMH covers I have on my music blog today (laurengill) and try to track down some more when I get home.

I want to pursue something musically, methinks. I know I have it in me, it just comes down to fleeting interests. I've been looking into acquiring a decent keyboard and a cheap enough synthesizer that can do what I want it to do. When I was dating Calen, I talked about picking up violin again (I played it temporarily between moves through school when I was a kid) but I think I have more of a penchant for making bubbly electronipop. I don't know. Lately my mind frame can be reduced down to: a.) music! b.) a special someone and c.) moving away. That's really all I think about, everything else is a mere or temporary distraction until I'm back in the comfort of my room again, finding new albums to listen to. My last.fm has gotten some pretty consistent action lately.

I know a lot of you don't get the extreme displeasure to take sanctuary in my head, but for awhile my love for music was dying out and it was just another something, not an outstanding interest, and certainly not a passion. It was background noise, not driving force... and I'm not sure of the catalyst for the paradigm shift... but there's one in motion.

Life is good, even when I think it isn't, it ultimately is. How easy I have it!

I hope everyone out there is well. And if you have never heard of Neutral Milk Hotel, can you just do me a favor and search them on MySpace and give it a shot? They're broken up now, so don't get your hopes up if you do fall in love but still, it's something I beseech you to experience.

Why I love the internet:

SAY WHAT?! KEVIN BARNES HAS DONE BACKING VOCALS ON BRIGHT EYES TRACKS. AND IT'S ON LETTING OFF THE HAPPINESS RELEASED BACK IN 1998. Not to mention Jeremy Barnes of NMH did some miscellaneous percussion on the album. I had no idea Saddle Creek had ties to Elephant Six bands.

1.) I got a Blockbuster card.

2.) I'm legitimately friends with a couple of exes right now.

3.) I managed to end a friendship without bringing forth cheap insults.

4.) I realize I have no fucking clue about anything, I know nearly nothing.

5.) I am slowly beginning to see children in a different way, motherly tendencies are kicking in.